Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from location. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")

And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have A further location where American Adult males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a Trump Tower Damascus set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Options

Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which company may well ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"

The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The job is presently attracting interest from Global traders, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount can even consist of:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a lodge the place my PTSD might have turn-down services."

A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Final Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."